His feedback is below:
"For TV, this script seems to have a pattern of 'too much information'. There's very little cheesy exposition - nobody saying 'Oh, do you remember when our mum died of cancer one year ago today?' etc - but still there could be some tightening throughout. There's a really overused, often repeated tip that Tony Jordan talks about a lot. He gives an example of two characters, they've just been to the pub, and there's a line of dialogue that says 'Alright mate, well, I had a good time tonight, see you later.' His tip is to take away words so that the line still makes sense, but gets shorter every time. You quickly get to 'See you later' and then, simply, 'Later.' which is what the line should probably be. Remove everything superflous and just get it said. Even if we look at your very first line alone, I think it works better if you just take away the first word - 'Andrea'. Opening with a character's name said aloud, to me, reads like 'Dear Audience, This Character Is Named Andrea' - which is fine, and no audience member would care, but I think so much of a great script is confidence.
That advice is particularly tailored to TV. Perhaps by way of dialogue that gets a bit long at times, I don't feel that there's enough visual going on. You use parentheticals wisely for the most part, but on some occasions they indicate a character is (laughing) or (teasing) when, I don't know if you realise, but your dialogue is strong enough to make that pretty clear!
Another dialogue issue, now and then, is following a character's logic. In scene 3, Tom says 'she left her credit card for our joint account and I found another, A VISA, but we both have seperate accounts too. I can't be sure. I found her passport with mine in the dresser'. That's a long line, especially given that it doesn't have a lot of dramatic content, it's more about the doling out of information. Two options, with things like these - either trim it back, don't track his entire thought pattern, just say 'She left the card for the joint account. I don't know, we have our own accounts too.' OR break up those three bits of information (joint account card is here, so is a random Visa, they have seperate accounts) by making it three seperate lines, prompted by questions from the police.
Those were the initial issues with dialogue, which you asked me to pay particular attention to. Moving on, though, there's so much great stuff in this script. Your scene structure is consistently excellent. Nothing is wasted - every scene advances the plot and every scene moves towards a point where it reaches a climax. You have a very good talent for coming into a scene at the right time and getting out as soon as the scene is done. That helped the whole thing have momentum, which is, for me, one of the hardest things to do.
Scene seven in particular, has a lot of great dialogue. Just goes to show that all the things I've said above, you probably know already. In scene seven we have unique and unusual turns of phrase - Andrea's 'sexy time', the wife 'wailing like a banshee', the 'slag tastefully daubed on the front door'. Because of that, this is where I first really got a sense of these two characters and what they're like - particularly Andrea's growling guard-dog business which sums up her function in the story. I think what happens here is, for whatever reason, your confidence goes through the roof. In the beginnings, there was something very uncertain about the way you'd written the script - it wasn't quite ballsy enough, didn't reflect a personality or 'voice' (the vaguest word in the world, sorry!). The things I mentioned above, to do with overwriting dialogue, flow of logic, making things too wordy - I really get the sense that this is because you don't realise that when you do short, punchy lines, they're completely understandable, completely true-to-life but also completely engaging.
Overall, despite my focus on dialogue, I should say something about the plot and the whole notion of the story. It was great, if a little odd. I say odd because what plays for the most part like a whodunnit is a crime that wasn't committed by any of the main characters - instead, our focus is on Emily, and her relationship with Tom. That's where my investment was throughout and it paid of really well with the idea that whatever physical torture Elise was experiencing, the mental torture of hearing Tom with Emily must've been even worse. That's a great idea and it worked very well."
Overall the feedback has been really positive, and definitely gave me a bit more confidence in my dialogue writing. I was aware of that Tony Jordan advice, though didn’t know it was attributed to him, but having it pointed out meant I was even more brutal with my culling. Again, there’s the comment about ‘not enough visual’ which is clearly something I need to work on. As I read more television scripts moving forward this is something I’ll be looking out for. Hopefully I started making use of visual more as the script progresses, with a scene featuring Tom alone in his flat:
Int. TOM, alone in his house again looking worse than we’ve seen him before. No longer dressed so smartly and hair ruffled and clearly isn’t sleeping well. He’s pacing the lounge and listening to loud classical music. He picks up his phone from a side table and pauses the music with a remote control, then starts flicking through numbers on his phone until he gets to the name Elise and pauses, looking at the lettering. Then he dials the number and we hear it go straight to voicemail.
VOICEMAIL – ELISE
Hi, you have reached the voicemail of Elise Stuart. I’m afraid I’m not available to take your call at the moment but leave me a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.
TOM hangs up the phone and dials again, just to hear the voicemail, but partway through he hears a noise that sounds like it’s coming from outside. He takes the phone away from his ear and darts over to the window, looking out into the night but sees nothing. Flicks the music back on and sinks onto one of the sofas, hands over his face. He is a man under pressure and about to come undone. He sits up and picks up his phone again, pauses the music with his remote control, and calls another number on his mobile.
TOM (leaving a message)
Emily, hi, it’s me. Just wondering what you’re doing and if you wanted to meet up. I could do with some company and would really like to see you. Come over if you’re free.
TOM hangs up the phone and as he does so hears another barely audible thud. He’s now very alert and twitchy, goes over to the back door, unlocking and opening it.
TOM
Hello? Anybody there? (Pauses and listens again, maybe hearing a rustle but it’s difficult to tell) Elise…Elly? Are you there? (Gradually getting more desperate) Elise…ELISE
Shouts her name loudly into the night and waits, but no response apart from silence. A moment later we hear the faint noise of a baby crying – not loudly, but audible. Tom looks upwards, as if it’s coming from the neighbours. He pauses, the crying stops, and from somewhere else the very faint beat of music starts. Tom shuts the back door and locks it, leaving the key where it was in the back of the lock.
After reading this feedback I also spent a lot of time reading aloud, to work out which lines felt long and stilted. The line in scene three the feedback refers to went from:
She left her credit card for our joint account and I found another, a VISA, but we both have separate accounts too. I can’t be sure. I found her passport with mine in the dresser.
To:
Her card for our joint account. We have separate accounts too. And I found her passport with mine in the dresser. (He pushes these documents across the table to Jen, who picks them up to examine)
See? More of the visual! These are small changes, but hopefully make a massive difference to both the flow and the confidence of the piece.
I’m relieved, and a little surprised, to hear that the structure was fairly sound even in the earlier stages. This was a major concern for me – you can tweak dialogue, but if there’s problems with the basic foundations I wouldn’t know exactly how to go about fixing them. Similarly the plot, which I agree is a little odd, seems to get the thumbs up from both feedbackers too.
I am concerned that the first few scenes (sadly the first few pages the BBC will read and use to decide whether to continue) aren’t that strong. I tried to change them, but found it really hard – it felt like pulling out Jenga blocks from the bottom row, and that it could cause the rest of the scenes to come crashing in around me. But for now I’ll leave you with scene seven, which received the best feedback of them all. Enjoy!
Int. Andrea and Emily’s flat. ANDREA is in her pyjamas watching the television and snacking. EMILY enters, slamming the door.
EMILY
Worst night EVER.
ANDREA
Not the sexy time you were hoping for? (Holds out her bag of sweets)
EMILY
He’s being all weird with me. Not even a little light petting. Nothing. (Takes a sweet from the bag and eats it despondently)
ANDREA
Maybe he’s a bit distracted. His wife just left him. What’s the story on that, anyway?
EMILY
All very strange. She literally just left. Poof (motions with her hand) – in a puff of smoke. As far as I can gather no note, nothing. She just walked out.
ANDREA
He doesn’t know why?
EMILY
She never said. Actually, I’m a bit worried she found out about me. That would be awful, if some crazed wife turns up on our doorstep in the middle of the night wailing like a banshee ready to tear out my extensions with her French manicure.
ANDREA
Don’t worry; you’ve got your guard dog (she pulls a fierce face, growling.)
EMILY
(Growls back) Yeah, that’ll scare her away. She’ll be peeing her pants as she loads her revolver and guns me down when I’m taking out the rubbish.
ANDREA
Hopefully the worst you can expect is to get your tyres let down, or ‘Slag’ tastefully daubed on our front door. (Offers more sweets)
EMILY
Thanks, mate. (Takes another)
ANDREA
Seriously though, why would she leave and not say anything? If my husband cheated on me with some tart-
EMILY
(Interjects) -Hey!
ANDREA
No offence.
EMILY
Hmm…some taken.
ANDREA
But I’d seriously kick off. I wouldn’t leave – I’d change the locks while he was at work, or besmirch his good name all over the internet. Minimal damage would be cutting the flies out of all his suits.
EMILY
You’re kind of a handful though. Normal people don’t behave like that.
ANDREA
Normal people behave worse – I’ve seen Jeremy Kyle.
EMILY
She’s hardly Jeremy Kyle material.
ANDREA
What’s she like?
EMILY
Pretty. I used to be jealous of her, but Tom says she’s gotten sooo boring. Hot but boring. And she’s got nearly ten years on me.
ANDREA
And they never had kids?
EMILY
(Shakes her head) Tom never says why though. It’s funny - they have this perfect little life, only it’s not perfect. The police must be wracking their brains over why she disappeared.
ANDREA
He’s called the police? Do they know about you and Tom?
EMILY
Pretty sure they don’t. Tom’s quite a secretive person.
ANDREA
He must have to be. What with all the affairs.
EMILY
It’s not all the affairs. Just one.
ANDREA
You sure?
EMILY
Yes, I’m sure. I’d know if there was someone else.
ANDREA
That’s probably what his wife says. Unless it turns out she does know. (Pauses, looks up from her sweets and turns to Emily) You don’t think…
EMILY
What?
ANDREA
Ok. Don’t go mad at me, I’m just saying, but you don’t think he’s (slices across her neck with her index finger and pulls a face) y’know…
EMILY
(Laughs) Oh god, of course not! You are silly, Andrea.
ANDREA
Fine, but I want you to be careful.
EMILY
Tom’s not going to kill me.
ANDREA
I mean be careful of the whole thing. It’s getting a bit serious now. Police are involved and her name will be on the missing persons register. I don’t know anything about Tom, but I can guarantee he won’t have your feelings front of his mind.
EMILY
(Hugs her playfully)
Don’t worry about me, little one, I’m a big girl now and I can take care of myself.
ANDREA
(Ruffles Emily’s hair) I think we both know that’s not true.
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