Feedback 1

This feedback came from a writer on the Feedback Exchange who sent me his script Angels. It was a great script, and a bit sci-fi which isn’t my usual genre but definitely testament to the fact that if a script is strong it will appeal anyway.

He wrote to me:

"Thanks again for sending me your play (sorry couldn't resist giving it a title). I thought this is a clever story with a great "twist" ending. I enjoyed the relationship between Emily and Andrea and the dynamics between Tom and Emily.

The dialogue is for the most part very good and I enjoyed the witty parts. Some of the dialogue is a little too "on the nose" in some areas, but I think this can be improved by re-reading sections and realizing that some information can be conveyed in a more subtle way (through gestures). Take a look at these small changes on what you wrote:

JEN
So? First impressions?

SIMON
Hard to call. Bit of a Hooray Henry, but I don’t think he’s done anything.

JEN
I don’t know. He seemed very suspicious of us. You think she’s....

SIMON
Left him? (nods) Happens all the time. Wife finds someone else, or realises he’s banging her best mate or something. She’ll be back once she realises she left their joint account credit card behind.

OK, now thinkig outside the box: maybe it's my twisted mind, but with the two cops Jen and Simon I think you have an opportunity to create an environment where the audience thinks, but is not quite sure, that possibly Jen and Simon are having an affair! Of course you never disclose whether this is true or not, but this could add some irony to the story and put a different complexion on the investigation as much of the dialogue between Jen and Simon would have a double entendre.

Let me know if you're interested in a co-writer to work on this part of the story! I'd love to see this on the stage! I think you should try and get this produced. Here in Toronto we have a great indie scene and a lot of indie plays and it would be easy to get your material on the stage."


I’m really pleased with the positive feedback about the relationships between the main characters. That’s what this story is supposed to be about; although it centres around a missing woman it’s actually about a train of events that force a lie out of control. The script is designed to make us think about the hypocrisy of tragedy – similar to the death of someone like Jade Goody, who was mocked when alive, but dead is now venerated. Tom treats his marriage with little respect, but once Elise goes missing is keen to act as the concerned husband. He isn’t supposed to be a villain, just someone flawed who gets complacent with his lifestyle.

It took ages to find a name in the end - see previous post! - and I used Him and Her (the suggested title on the feedback) as a working title for a while. I like it, but feel it doesn’t quite encapsulate the contents. If anything it should be called Him and her. And her. Actually I quite like that too! But will stick with Senses for now. What’s in a name, eh?

I agree that sometimes, because of how used I am to writing prose, I vocalise a character’s thought process in a way which isn’t wholly realistic. The differences suggested in this scene are small, and in some cases I thought almost too small. This is what the scene originally read as:

JEN
So what do you think? First impressions?

SIMON
Ah, I don’t know. Hard to call. Bit of a Hooray Henry, but I don’t think he’s done anything.

JEN
I don’t know. He seemed very suspicious of us. Do you think she’s left him?

SIMON
Most likely. Happens all the time. Wife finds someone else, or realises he’s banging her best mate or something. She’ll be back once she realises she left their joint account credit card behind.

I understand what the feedback is suggesting, and agree it’s something that needs work. I cut out the excess words, which is something I had to do a lot of. Realised I have some sort of writing twitch and often start lines with “Oh”, “So” or “Well”.

And I absolutely love that the feedback suggests a relationship between Jen and Simon, the police officers. This is great news, because there was supposed to be the implication that there is something between them. Hopefully the suggestion means this is subtle and subconscious for the audience. I don’t think we need to know any personal details about Jen and Simon, though hopefully their characters do come through but just with no biographical details. As a result of this suggestion I wrote one tiny moment into the very last scene:

From a distance we see SIMON reach down and pick up Jen’s hand. There is no close up on this, and neither one acknowledges the moment.

They just leave the flat and close the door firmly behind them.

This is the pay-off for the eagle-eyed audience member if they’ve suspected something’s going on. I thought it was too cheesy to clearly signpost that working on this case has taught them both something, but hopefully that comes through in a less Disney-esque way.